Hurting you
by iargyrop
Summary: I was listening to hurting you by Christina Aguilera and I was inspired to right this. I think it gives us the closure we all missed.


Usual disclaimer: I don't own the chatacters, because if I did I would not have killed Marissa.

Dear Marissa,

It's 4:00 in the morning, but I can't sleep, not that it's something new. Ever since that night, the night you were supposed to have your new beginning I can't sleep much. I've shut myself out from everyone, but tonight I thought I would finally put pen to paper and write down all the things I am feeling, as if you can hear me or see me, and tomorrow I'll take it to our spot, to our lifeguard station and finally let you go. I guess this is my personal way of saying goodbye to you.

_Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face_

_You told me how proud you were, but I walked away_

_If only I knew what I know today_

_Ooh, ooh_

First of all I'm sorry I let you go. I had made a promise to always be by your side, and when you needed me the most, I let you loose. Maybe if I hadn't you'd still be here, and we'd be back together. You want to hear something funny? That night when I drove you to the airport I didn't want you to go. I wanted to hold you in my arms and make you feel safe and warm. You saved me too. You saved me from a life of misery and sadness. You showed me what true love really is, and I don't think I'll ever be able to settle for less. I'll never forget you Rissa. I hope you've finally found the inner peace you had been looking for in your life.

_I would hold you in my arms_

_I would take the pain away_

_Thank you for all you've done_

_Forgive all your mistakes_

_There's nothing I wouldn't do_

_To hear your voice again_

_Sometimes I wanna call you_

_But I know you won't be there_

I want to thank you. Thank you for never judging me. From the first moment we met, you accepted me for who I was and you saw behind my tough exterior to the real me. I was a lost boy who found his way home in your eyes. Our relationship might have been full of drama, but when it was good it was great! We completed each other. You were my soul mate, and I don't know if I'll find anyone quite like you again. Even when things were bad between us I loved you. Even when I felt you slipping away from me I longed for you, and I'm sorry I didn't try harder. I should have gotten you back into Harbor, back with us sooner. I should have spent more time with you and I should have listened more. I know what you're going to think. It's stupid to cry over something that you can't change, but maybe this is what I'm supposed to take away from your untimely death. I'm supposed to learn from my mistakes and do better next time. I just wish I didn't have to loose you to learn all these things. You'll always be in my heart and sole, as well as those of the people who knew the real you: Summer and Seth.

_Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you_

_For everything I just couldn't do_

_And I've hurt myself by hurting you_

_Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit_

_Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss_

_And it's so hard to say goodbye_

_When it comes to this, oooh_

Whatever I say doesn't make a difference anymore. I just wish you would walk into the pool house again, a smile on your face so that my life would make sense again. It seems like nothing means anything anymore, not even Berkley. That was supposed to be our time to be together and now I have to go on my own and rebuild everything. Above all I have to let you go, and I don't know if I can. I need to hold on to the image of you because letting you go hurts too much. I feel like you're still here, your presence lingering all over the place, and that you're smiling down on all of us, happy to see us move along with our lives, and as hard is it might be, that is what we have to do. And to think that I don't even believe in ghosts, but maybe you never left. God, I'm not making sense anymore. Maybe it's the time, maybe it's the fact that I am finally just putting my thoughts on paper. God, I just don't know anymore!!! I just miss you Rissa. I miss you so much it hurts, so I pretend that you're still here, just so I can continue being as happy as I know you would like me to be.

_Would you tell me I was wrong?_

_Would you help me understand?_

_Are you looking down upon me?_

_Are you proud of who I am?_

I guess what I'd want you to take away from this long letter is that I never stopped loving now, even now, and that I'll always feel like I let you down even though I never meant to. I tried to forget you and to make my life less complicated, but I still thought of you and wanted to keep you safe. I was ready to kick Volchock for hurting you, simply because that what I always did. Who I am I going to keep safe now? Our lives are all empty, because you made us smile and forget our problems. I will always miss you and you will always have that part of my heart that you always give to a first true love, and our love was honest and true, even if we were mismatched and we spent more time defending our relationship than actually having one. But even now, when you and I have been separated, I don't regret loving you, because you made me a better person. Maybe if I hadn't left you the summer after junior year, we would still be together. Maybe we would be going to university together, maybe tonight I would be sleeping with you instead of dealing with the fact I'll never see you again.

_There's nothing I wouldn't do_

_To have just one more chance_

_To look into your eyes_

_And see you looking back_

If you can see us, than I'm sorry I'm not stronger and that I can't go on with my life. Maybe the best advice is what Seth told me: "Just keep breathing man. That's all you can do. Remember to breath." I have to keep breathing and I have to live again, just so that you can look at me and see someone happy. I think that's what you would like. I just wish it wasn't so difficult sometimes. I have to go to Berkley in one week and I don't even know if I want to anymore. All I know is that life is unfair and that you were lucky enough to be loved by many people and you will be missed by all of them. Above all, you'll be missed by Summer, Seth and of course me. I don't think I'll ever be able to completely get over you, and I don't think I'm supposed to either. I don't want to smile again. I just want to hold on to the pain I feel now, because it's real, but I can't. I have to move on, and I don't know how or where to begin.

_Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you_

_For everything I just couldn't do_

_And I've hurt myself, ohh_

I guess I should end this letter, but I have no idea how to do that. It seems like lately I'm always closing or ending chapters in my life, whether I want to or not. Just take care of yourself and know that you'll be missed. No one's life will ever be the same again. Tomorrow morning I'm going to say my final good bye to you and then I will try to move on with my life. I don't want to, but I must. I have to go to Berkley like we planned, and I have to meet new people and fall in love again and even start a family, because all those things will make you happy. Just know that wherever I go and whatever I do I'll never forget the girl next door I gave the cheesiest pick up line to, and she fell for it!!!! I love you Marissa Cooper, now forever and always.

All my love,

Ry

_If I had just one more day_

_I would tell you how much that I've missed you_

_Since you've been away_

_Ooh, it's dangerous_

_It's so out of line_

_To try and turn back time_

Ryan dried his eyes as he sat on the steps of his and Marissa's favorite lifeguard station, letter in his hand. "Rest in peace Rissa. I'm sorry. More sorry than you'll ever know." Ryan whispered as he torn the letter and let the pieces fly in the wind. As the pieces flew into the horizon, Ryan was sure he heard a recognizable voice whisper. "Be happy Ry. Make sure your life means something to those near you, and don't worry about me. You'll be fine" Ryan smiled and turned his head to the sky. "I'll always worry Rissa" he whispered before leaving, a smile barely appearing on his face after a long week.

_I'm sorry for blaming you_

_For everything I just couldn't do_

_And I've hurt myself by hurting you_

Read and review!!!! you know you want to!!!!


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